Ghosting Season

The other day I was in the car listening to this radio station that I don't usually listen to and the DJ was talking about loss—I guess that was the topic given that 'tis the season—and taking in song requests and related stories from their listeners via SMS (yes, they still do that!) when I heard something familiar that instantly grabbed my attention.

A sender named Candy (not her real name btw) shared a story that happened to her 10 years ago which, judging from the tone of her letter, had deeply affected her and probably still does. She said she went on a series of dates with a guy which lasted for 4 months and she thought it was going so well when he suddenly vanished one day, ceasing all forms of communication without any explanation. She tried to reach out, even planned on doing things out of her way just to get in touch and ask what happened until she realized she needed to stop chasing after him, and so she did. She checked, he was alive and well, he just refused to respond.

And that for her was her worst experience of loss.

To paraphrase her words, she's never been that vulnerable with anyone else and it's been hard for her to trust people again after that. Again, this was a decade ago and I swear I haven't sighed this deep about a random story I heard from a radio station before.

See, the term "ghosting" wasn't even coined then but it's apparently been happening way before we started naming it. To hear women's accounts of it from different stages of their lives and women from different generations speaking up about it is just sickening and triggering for me. Add the complications of modern dating into it and it's the perfect recipe for heartbreak and trauma, don't you think?

The DJ sympathizes, of course, discussing how harsh some people can be without realizing it and how it could have been handled better. Meanwhile, I kept thinking Fuck all ghosters, man as I shake my head in the passenger seat, my dad beside me driving and clueless. The DJ ends it with a song requested by Candy: Playing God by Paramore, to which I sang along to hoping she hears that I empathize with her too.

***

Obviously, your girl is no stranger to this particular topic so I feel deeply for people who went through or are going through it. In fact, I wrote an article about my personal experience with it a few years back, too, if you haven't read it. But is there a way that this can be avoided—ghosting and being ghosted? Given that I might as well have a PhD on it, I have collected some dating tips for you.

1. Honesty sure is the best policy. Being 100% truthful and upfront about yourself and your intentions from the beginning is the primary key in every successful relationship. It leaves no room for unrealistic expectations from both parties which relieves pressure and increases sustainability in the long run. Not sure if you can commit to anything serious? Say it. Want to get into a relationship and eventually settle down? Say it. This gives you the chance to know if you're both on the same page and think about your next steps.

2. Learn to read people. It doesn't matter how much they say they like you or how much they say they want to spend their time with you. Actions will always speak louder than words. Pay attention to what they actually do; pay attention to what is. Observe the tone of their voice, their body language, and how they answer your questions. You can usually tell so much already about their reactions or lack thereof.

3. Vibe checks are necessary. When you finally go out on a date for the first time, remember tips #1 and #2 but be in the moment too. It's normal to feel awkward at first but you should be comfortable enough to be yourself. No walking on egg shells or forced laughs on lame jokes. Energy doesn't lie. Make sure you organically match each other's and don't be afraid to admit if it doesn't work.

4. Respect your own time. I believe time is our most precious gift that should never be taken for granted. Know that at your core and you wouldn't be obliged to tolerate anyone who isn't worthy of it. There are far better things deserving of your attention than waiting around for someone who isn't sure of you.

5. Conduct regular self-checks.  In the age of unavoidable distractions and creating quick connections, establishing a relationship with our inner selves has been extra challenging and oftentimes overlooked. Just make sure you're emotionally, mentally, physically and financially prepared before even considering bothering another person. Take note of your personal red flags (yes, you may have some too—self-awareness is key!) and work on it before getting involved with anyone else.

Lastly, there's no shame in catching (or not catching) feelings. There's actually even more courage in admitting and communicating it, you know? I mean, life's already difficult as it is. At least be mindful of your own dating etiquette and avoid causing someone else's trauma, please. x

PS. Images are from our recent Siargao trip. Peep our adventures on my IG highlights now, bb. ♡