Here's the thing: To say that this year has been challenging is a massive understatement.
I have unpublished posts in my drafts that explain what happened since January but reading them now, I figured I don't want to bore/burden you with it so allow me to summarize.
I got sick and was hospitalized for a week, diagnosed then misdiagnosed. I lost count on how many doctors and lab tests I went to since then, not to mention while dealing with this awful pandemic response. I had two surgeries for my wisdom tooth in the last two months. Pretty sure I developed anxiety and OCD (self-diagnosed) throughout the whole thing and basically my overall mental health has been hanging by a thread. And just when I started to feel slightly better, my sister and I test positive for Covid-19.
And so the battle on mental health continues.
***
Life is already hard as it is. Most of us are hardly getting by on an ordinary day and when things spin out of control all of a sudden, you kinda lose your footing. I have tried every possible thing I can think of—I prayed and sought help from God, started meditating, manifesting and declaring affirmations, spent more time with my family, reconnected (and disconnected) with friends, tried making new ones, read books and consumed numerous amounts of content just for the purpose of distraction—and I'd like to believe there's been progress, albeit rather slowly. But it's a constant battle; some days are just worse than the others.
Which is why I'm writing this now, documenting one of the better days as we speak.
And as cliché as it may sound, all of this made me reevaluate everything in my life and brought me to the following conclusion:
I should only be dedicating my time and energy on people and causes that are valuable to me.
I know I talk about self-care and myself a lot over here (yes, obviously this is an online diary) but as much as I support self-love, I don't want to give the impression that our lives are meant to be entirely about ourselves because it is not. And this is something that I hope more people tried to live by.
Having said that, I guess it's time to finally make some necessary changes. Old dreams are going to be parked for now to make way for new ones. No more making myself too available for people who can't match this energy. No hard feelings, of course. I don't mind going the extra mile for those that I deeply care about but when you see the pattern on one-sided interactions where you're always the one who's left to initiate? It's exhausting.
This reminds me, I recently got into a crisis and ran into this friend for help where I ended up being accused of being in denial of my own state of happiness instead (???) It was a long conversation and I'm not going to bore you with the details but it made me question my own sanity like, "Am I not truly happy right now? Because I kinda feel like I am, given the circumstance." And I didn't like being told what to feel (because who does?) so I just silently backed away afterwards. I'm not even gonna argue with anyone anymore... I am that tired. LOL
Anyway, despite everything we all still need to find something that we can anchor our hopes to, right? I made this playlist to lift my spirits up and to play in the background when we can all drive around freely again. To where? Who knows. Let's go live and find out. x
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